I was recently diagnosed with a fairly severe case of chronic WKAK – Want (to) Kill A Kid. The medical term for this incurable, insidious affliction is “IWarnedYouIWasGoingToKillOneOfYouAsAnExampleSomeday.” One in six fathers ages 35-44 will get it. I have six children. Do the math…
Luckily, I caught it in time. I want to share what I’ve learned over the past 16 years in the hope it will help others, especially new dads, avoid it or at least lessen its impact.
- Having said the same thing to the same people for the 1000th time – “Are you really playing ball in the house AGAIN…?”
- Broken televisions – See “Are you really playing ball in the house AGAIN…?”
- Being blamed for not saying something 1001 times – “But you didn’t say not to play ball in the house THIS time…”
- S*** rolling downhill – First-born messes with #2, who takes it out on #3 and it flows down the line.
- No refunds on the Magic Refrigerator – You know the model, you fill it, close the door, open the door and it’s empty. Again.
- Kids who don’t ever stop eating – See above.
- Pretending you don’t hear them calling your name, hoping they’ll just leave you alone – (“Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. Dad. DAD!”).
- Fantasizing about locking them outside in the rain – But not if there’s lightning.
- Sounding like your parents – “I brought you into this world…”
- Telling kids to just “hit them back.” – Doesn’t teach the best lesson in the world, but eventually the point will get across. My younger brother took me out once when I was 14. Haven’t touched him since.
- Yard Work – For them, not you.
- Confiscation of electronic devices – Like ibuprofen it’s temporary but it works wonders.
- The 40/100 Rule – You get a full-time job, you get a full vote. Otherwise, deal with it.
- Remembering that these same kids are the best proof that you can do something right and that you wouldn’t trade them for anything, at least not permanently…